Biggest Happiness

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought
up the idea of asking Mother to move from the
rural hometown and spend her remaining years
with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was
still very young. Mother endured much hardship
and struggled all on her own to provide for him,
see him through to a university degree. You could
say that she suffered a great deal and did
everything you could expect of a woman to bring
hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed
and started packing the spare room, which has a
balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the
sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the
bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and
started spinning round and round. As I begged him
to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother".
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his
chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me
up at any moment put the tiny me into his
pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both
refuses to back down, he would pick me up and
spin me over his head continuously until I
surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to
this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and
lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to
buying flowers to decorate the living room, she
could not stand it and would comment: "I do not
know how you young people spend your money,
why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat
flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in
the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby
smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people’s habit; slowly
you will get use to it". Mother stopped saying
anything.
But every time thereafter, whenever came home
with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs.
I told her and she would shake her head and
express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come
home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask
each and every item how much they cost, I would
tell her honestly and she would get even more
upset about it.. Hubby playfully pinched my nose
and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full
price of everything would solve it." There begins
the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early
to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could
the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
breakfast table, mother facial expression is always
like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I
would pretend not to notice. She would use her
chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her
silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the
Children's Palace and am exhausted from along
day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up
the luxury of that additional few minutes in the
comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to
all the
protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with
some housework, but soon her help created
additional work for me. For example: she would
keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them
so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our
house being filled with all the trash bags; she
would scrimp on dish washing detergent when
helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt
her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One
day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing
the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom
door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was
placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did
not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended
to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did
I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't
you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly
die eating from a bowl however unclean it is,
right?" After that incident, for a
long period of time, mother did not speak to me
and you can feel that there is a very awkward
feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught
in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop
her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother
took on the "all important" task of preparing
breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast
table, mother would look at hubby happily eating
his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at
me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I
resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to
work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little
upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think
that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his
back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of
unfairness overwhelmed me.. After some time,
hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have
breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to
return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared
by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my
stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing
up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw
up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed
into the washroom, and vomited everything out.
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother
crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect,
hubby was standing at the washroom doorway
staring at me with fire burning in his eyes... I
opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I
really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother
took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made
her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final
stare in the eye and followed mother down the
stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home,
not even a phone call. I was so furious, since
mother arrived; I had been trying my best and
putting up with her, what else do you want me to
do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to
throw up and I simply have not appetite for food,
coupled with all the events happening at home, I
was at then low point in my life. Finally, a
colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should
go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I
am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that
fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through
that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and
mother who had been through this before, thought
of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing
there. It had only been three days, but he looked
haggard. I had wanted
To turn and leave, but one look at him and my
heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.
He followed my voice and finally found me but he
pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that
disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through
my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore,
and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a
strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby:
"Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift
me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I
wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my
tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love
couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my
hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried
and wet the corner of the blanket. That night,
sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I
switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears
rolling down his face. He was removing the
money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me,
took the bank deposit book and some money and
left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me
for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love
and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and
tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work.. I wanted to
clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I
reached his office and his secretary gave me a
weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a
traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood
there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the
time I found hubby, mother had already passed
away. Hubby did not look at me,
His face was expressionless. I looked at mother's
pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the
tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single
word to me, with only the occasional disgusted
stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts
about the accident from other people. That day,
after mother left the house, she walked in dazed
toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go
back to her old house back in the countryside. As
hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as
she tried to cross the street, a public bus came
and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby
must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning,
if we had not quarreled, if.... In his heart, I am
indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home
every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And
me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and
could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him,
tell him that we are going to have our baby soon,
but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all
the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell
back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give
me a big and thorough scolding though none of
these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as
the days went by, hubby came home later and
later. The deadlock between us continues, we were
living together like strangers who don't know each
other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One
day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into
the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting
facing each other and he very lightly brushed her
hair for her, I understood what it meant. After
recovering from that moment of shock, I entered
the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and
stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have
nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say
anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby,
stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out
his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,
challenging me.. I can only hear my slow heart
beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of
death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that
any longer, I will collapse
together with the baby inside me. That night, he
did not come home; he had chosen to use that as
a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death
so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I
can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he
had returned to take some of his stuff.. I no longer
wish to call him; the initial desire to explain
everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for
my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again
and again every time I see a guy
carefully helping his wife through the physical
examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to
consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will
not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it
is my way of repaying mother for causing her
death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in
the living room. The whole house was filled with
cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this
piece of paper. I know what it is all about without
even looking at it. In the two months plus of living
alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within
myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said:
"You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me,
mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I
hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You
cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt
terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from
there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes
stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked
over to the coffee table and pulled the paper
towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I
signed my name on it and pushed the paper to
him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's
accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I
could not control my tears any
further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but
its ok, you can
leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat,
facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me,
his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything
seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I
could never reach them. I cannot remember how
many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had
originally thought that I would forgive him, but now
I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that
girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget,
ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each
other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him,
totally intentional. I had been waiting for this
moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what
had gone past is gone forever and could not
repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that
would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally
cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he
buys for me, I don't take any presents from him
and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I
signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love
had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby
will try to come into the bedroom,
but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living
room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's
room. At night, from his room, I can hear light
sounds of groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be
his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he
would fake illness and I will surrender and find out
what is wrong with him, he would then grab me
and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared
for him and am concerned because there was love,
but now, what is there between us? Hubby's
groaning came on and off
continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the
baby, infant products, children products and books
that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked
inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to
use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer
moved by his actions. He has no choice but to
lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing
away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now
addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to
me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the
following year, one late night, I screamed because
of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing
into the room, its like he did not change and sleep,
and had been waiting for this moment. He carried
me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding
my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off
my brow, throughout the
journey to the hospital. Once we reached the
hospital, he carried me and hurried into the
delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but
warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my
lifetime, who else would love me as much as he
did? He held the delivery suite door opened and
watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to
manage a smile at him despite my contraction
pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby
looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and
he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his
hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he
slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him
in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired
eyes of his.... I had thought that I would never
shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never
felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that
moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby
discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in
terminal stage and it was a miracle that he
managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when
he first discovered he had cancer.
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me
saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed
home, I went into his room and checked his
computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's
cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning
was real, and I had thought that... the computer
showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our
son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able
to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest
wish now.... I know that in your life, you will have
many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only
I can accompany you throughout that journey, how
nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has
that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the
possible difficulties and problems you may
encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with
these problems, you can refer to daddy's
suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200
thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied
you through life journey. To be
honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother,
she has suffered, she is the one who loves you
most and also the one who loves me most...."
From play school to primary school, to secondary,
university, to work and even in dealing with
questions of love, everything big and small was
written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear,
to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me
for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not
telling you my illness, because I want to see you
be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our
baby.... My dear, if you cried, it means that you
have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for
loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot
give them to our son personally, could you help
me to give some of them to him every year, the
dates on what to give when are all written on the
packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I
brought our son over and place him beside him. I
said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to
remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He
struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak
smile. Our son still in his arms was happily
waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button
on the camera and the sound of
the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly
rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding
and the person who loves me the most in this
world is gone forever...." Cruel misunderstandings
one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to
our family. Our originals intend of having Mother
enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her
remaining years with us went terribly wrong as
destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price,
everything became too late."...... ...
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO
OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to
my eyes as I read through each line eager to know
what would happen next. It truly showed the
devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple
humility and communication would have resolved
most of the problems in that story, as well as
patience..... This story has really touched my heart
and life as a whole and it has stimulated a
paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also
very refreshing to know that from today, I can
consciously start to live a life free of grudge..
People please let's live a life devoid of grudge.